


Long Lost Home

by Maggiluisa



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fear of Drowning, Female Bilbo, Frodo parents drown, Love Lost - Freeform, Miscarried, Mute Bilbo Baggins, She take care of Frodo, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, thorin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:15:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7788133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maggiluisa/pseuds/Maggiluisa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you forget a lost love?  How can you let life go on, with your heart breaking each day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long Lost Home

Long Lost Home 

 

Bilbo often came to the campus indoor pool to watch the swimmers or quietly read and let the sound relax her. She’d been safe in the bleachers, actually working on a lesson plan. Students shouts and laughter in the background had actually been relaxing but it was almost time for her next class. 

The first time she’d drowned, she was ten. They were at sea in a great sailboat, somehow they were taking on water and her mother put her on the inflatable boat but her parents didn't make it, she was the only survivor.

Not being the tallest of woman, having inherited her mother's height. It was not very surprising that Bilbo could not reach the bottom of the university’s pool. She flailed uselessly, not quite sure where exactly the surface was. It was all bubbles of air and shafts of light and her heartbeat in her ears. 

Her chest was already constricted, losing too much air. Soon her lungs would be wringing out whatever oxygen remaining and then she will just black out. All she could see were spots for lack of air. She didn't want to die, not anymore. Perhaps years ago when she lost her parents or when her love left her or when she miscarried. Now she had a nephew who needed her, Frodo had lost his parents the same way she had. She could not leave him, not now.

Bilbo felt an arm clamp around her waist. It took moments to realise that she was being rescued, and by that time she was already out of the water. The ground was blissfully solid, the air sweet as honey.

Her rescuer had a tight grip on her waist, shaking roughly.

“Are you alright? Can you breathe?”

Bilbo held her hand up, batting away the person leaning over her as she continued to cough. She gasped in deep breaths and blinked to get her eyes into focus.

“Miss Baggins!” 

Chest still heaving, Bilbo stared at the Ori, to her right. She wanted to thank her rescuer, she turned to look at him but felt her heart stop. She should have recognized his voice anywhere, always haunting her dreams.

“Bilbo are you well?”

Bilbo didn’t reply to this question. Truth was she didn't feel well at all, too many memories she hadn’t exactly been happy to revisit. Her vision turned black and she fainted at last.

**********

Maybe it was lucky that she was mute, perfect excuse to hide or ignore the new hired help. He was, well she didn't quite know. He did everything, clean the house and garage, which she didn't have the heart to go thru. He took care of the garden and pool. Even though she is eighteen and this is her house. Gandalf her godfather hired him without her consent to help air out the house and donate somethings. That was his excuse she was sure Thorin was here to keep her company. 

Gandalf called weekly to check on her, even though she could only tap the phone for yes , no, well, okay and I'll try. She knew Gandalf worried about her all alone in her big house but school wouldn't start for two more months. 

Bilbo looked up from the story book she was reading, she was hiding in the library. Thorin came in to bring her some snacks and lemonade, most of the time she forgets to eat, too caught up with whatever she's reading. Thorin would come and talk of what he's done and what he still needs to do. His voice is deep and it helps her relax. If she had a question she'd raise her hand write it down but most of the time she liked to hear him and drown in his voice. 

She acknowledged Thorin is attractive and his voice makes her shiver, She’s not blind but mute but she will not let him know how he makes her feel. Soon she will go back to school and so well he. It will be just a moment they shared and nothing more. It still didn't stop her heart from jumping every time she saw him. Bilbo did wonder, if this was what it was like to have a real friend. 

That's how her summer past, she still saw him at least a few times a day during the school year. And finally summer again, most of the day she spent it with Thorin, he learned sign language to make it easier on her. She loved him for that. Their relationship had escalated from friendship to so much more. 

Thorin sealed the gap between them, she sighed, Thorin's hands drew strong strokes up and down her spine. She shivered helplessly at the slide of Thorin’s tongue against hers. More colour flushed her cheeks. Bilbo was utterly lost, her fingers into Thorin’s hair. Thorin teeth closing tenderly over the fleshy bit of Bilbo’s ear. Made her shake with pleasure. Her legs around his waist, shifting to bring him closer. Bilbo felt heat that had started to coil down low, it urged her on.

Bilbo only untangled one hand from Thorin’s hair because of the better prospect of slipping it under his shirt. As Thorin sucked a bruise into Bilbo’s neck, Bilbo squirmed powerlessly. She gaining confidence and slipping further up.

Thorin was kissing her deeply, very much cutting off her train of thought. 

When they parted for air, she leaned her forehead onto Thorin’s chest.

Strong fingers insistently tipped her chin upwards. 

“I know it's late but I need to talk to you. I'm… Well I.. I want you, all of you.”

She reached out to grab hold of his hand, desiring more contact, the feel of his skin. They were strong hands, strong enough to carefully hold her body against his. She touched his hand, they weren't soft, caulous from the hard work. So she placed her lips on this palm and kissed it.

He did the same, took hold of her wrist and with the tip of his tongue, he swiped it. That sent her already overheated body on fire and the pleasure in the pit of her stomach dipped lower seeming to strike at the patch of flesh between her legs, making the area sting and pulsate.

Bilbo found herself entangled with Thorin, their breath wove together, dripping with lust. The kiss was more and more passionate. Overwhelming feeling of wanting more of him, needed him. She could feel his fingers in her curls, her hair coming unbound. His hands sent to lift her in his arms, they did not stop kissing. 

When they were finally in her room, he took it upon himself to remove her clothes. She did not protect as he ripped her nightgown. Soon they both were naked.

He was muscular and so much bigger than her. She on the other hand was soft and supple. But they seemed to complement each other. Then he moved to close the space between them. Her laid her in bed and kissed and licked her body, slowly going below where all the heat had coiled.

His tongue against her sex, he wanted to give her pleasure by circling around the pink flesh. He was watching her face, see her emotions. Long, lingering kisses followed, training their way across to the soft skin. 

It only took a few more firm strokes before she broke from the inside out, shattering into a thousand tiny fragments. Rolling in waves of pleasure, she savered every moment.

Soon enough he was inside her, at first it was painful but it became easier. Bilbo was able to gasp and whimper, moving her hips to counter his thrusts. Thorin’s stubble burned and scraped her shoulders. It wasn’t anything Bilbo had thought it’d be, far better than novels. He broke her apart and pieced her back together. They lay in bliss for a few minutes, her head on his chest. 

“Bilbo… I need to speak with you.”

Thorin took a heavy breath. She waited for him to speak.

“I’m leaving. I have to leave tomorrow morning.”

She could feel darkness and ice seeping into her veins. You knew this would happen. You knew. They always leave you, no one wants to stay.

 

“I meant to tell you earlier. But I wanted to keep seeing you.”

At least Thorin apparently knew he was leaving and never coming back but wanted to take something from her or leave her with a small moment.

“I promised myself I would tell you before anything happened but I didn't want it to end.”

What could she do, she just kept her head on his chest and listen to his heart. This was the last time she will ever see him or have him so close.

“I wanted something of you. I love you!”

That hurt. Of course Thorin would say that now, like it was going to solve everything. All the admission did was make Bilbo shake. She wasn’t sure if it was because of fury or her heart shattering.

“Bilbo?”

She cried in his chest until she fell asleep, he was gone in the morning only leaving a note.

I love you. I'm sorry. 

-Thorin

 

******

She woke up in the campus clinic and being declared healthy. Bilbo had happily submitted to Doctors advice of going home. She was too shaken up to refuse being accompanied home by Thorin. Too shaken up to even ask the him where he's been. 

When they arrived at Bilbo’s home, she realised that she hadn’t given Thorin directions. Her skin had prickled.

Bell left and told her Frodo had fallen asleep early. She sent Bell on her way.

Making excuses, she’d gone up the stairs to check on Frodo and shower. She hoping that Thorin would leave, it's what he's good at. Instead she came down to find Thorin asleep on her couch.

Bilbo hadn’t had the heart to wake him. She closed her eyes, breath trembling past her parted lips. One more lingering look and walked towards the stairs, they felt longer than they were, her mind and body was exhausted. Her heart bleeding and broken once again. 

Should she tell him, she had been pregnant and lost their child. Will he think less of her and never forgive for killing it. It had been her fault, she didn't know she was five months pregnant but she did try to kill herself. She wanted to drown like her parents and be with them once more. How could she not know she was with child. She was far less healthy and broken to see anything beside her pain and grief.

Frodo looked peaceful, she didn't want to tell him of what happened to her today, how close he was was of losing her too. He looked so much like Thorin, as if this is what her son would have liked like. His dark hair hair and blue eyes with her curls.

 

*

The pounding of her head did not wake her but that of her energetic seven year old nephew.

“Auntie there's a man in the kitchen making pancakes. He says he's an old find of yours. Come, he told me to let you sleep but that was a few hours ago. Wake up.”

She no longer had the luxury to stay in bed, she had a child to see to and an uninvited guest to kick out. It was far better Thorin felt her life now and never return before he made her world turn upside down again. The future pain will not be worth it, she couldn't afford to risk Frodo’s happiness.

Thorin was cleaning up the mess he made and as soon as he he saw her he smiled, his smile as beautiful as she remembered, he have her a plate. She will wait until Frodo become detracted to speak to Thorin. 

Frodo went to open the door and Sam came into the room, both laughing away. Sam greater her and they both went to Frodo’s room to play.

*

-Your ten years too late. You know that. I need you to leave.-

 

She pushed the note towards him.

“I know what I did was wrong. But I had my reasons. It was necessary for me to leave, and I wouldn’t change that decision. Not for anything.”

Bilbo stared up at the her cabinets.

Thorin grasped Bilbo’s chin. and she flinched from the contract.

“I'm sorry. You are owed the world. I couldn't give you that.”

-For a long time I was angry at you, you left me. You took something from me and left. And I tried to forget you but I never could. What you did is unforgivable, I’m going to need more than ‘it was necessary’.-

“Bilbo. Please, I had to leave and make something of myself.”

-All I needed and wanted was you. We can not change what happened, no matter how much I want to, even if you don't. I always loved you. But the pain is till too strong and I can't forgive you.-

“Bilbo. I never stopped loving you.”

-You will when when I tell you what happened.-

“Anything you tell me will never change that.”

This will make him leave and he will be gone forever.

-You left me and I did not handle it well. Losing meals and i could no longer cope. I rented a boat and wished to die, I through my body into the lake. I cannot swim so it was easy to drown but someone saved me. I woke up in in the hospital and the doctor told me I miscarried. I was five months pregnant. I killed our child.-

She did not dare look at him, why see the hate and discuss. It's better if he just left. Again she flinched from his touch, would he strike her for what she did to them. His chest was warm, her tears soaking his shirt. His arms around her waist squeezing her body to his.

“Don’t deserve you. Never have, even more so now. This is all my fault. I knew how vulnerable you were, you still are.”

Bilbo tangled her fingers in his hair. Crying in his chest.

“I'll never leave you again. Please I never deserved you but let me stay, let me care for you, for you both.”

She truly wanted to believe his words but she couldn't, they're hollow promises. But she nods her head. She will let him stay, he will break her and this time nothing can put her her back together.

That's how the years pass, he is still there when she wakes and homes home. She's waiting for him to leave them. She cannot bare the thought of children, they have Frodo, he is her son. It would be so much harder for her if she had children and Thorin finally left. She didn't want to leave her children like her parents left her, so she tells him no, she doesn't want kids. Perhaps he does and will finally leave her. 

Ten years married and nothing has changed. She waits for him to never return, knowing it would happen. He left her once, what's stopping him from doing it again.

When he does leave her, they were sixty years married. And she finally realized he didn't leave her but death took him. She does not worry, soon she will be with him but she will wait until death claimed her. They will always together.


End file.
